“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
— Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
— William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
— Groucho Marx
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
— Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
— Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend if you have one.”
— George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second….. if there is one.”
— Winston Churchill to Shaw, in response
“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
— Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
— John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial”
— Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
— Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
— Paul Keating
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
— Walter Kerr
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
— Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
— Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
— Oscar Wilde
Churchill replied “If you were my wife, madam, I’d take it.”
Thanks Gene
At dinner Winston Churchill asked a woman if he would sleep with him for £1,000,000.
She replied she would and he asked if she would sleep with him for £50.
Shocked, the woman said that she was not a cheap trollop.
Churchill said, “We’ve determined what you are. We are simply negotiating a price.”
“Sir Winston you are drunk.”
Winston Curchill: “Yes, madam and you are ugly, but in the morning I will be sober.”
Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.
Of a much praised book by Henry James–once you put it down, you simply can’t pick it up.
– quoted without source in “Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain”
Lou Holtz – “My team may be slow, but they make up for it by being small.”
A photographer attended a dinner party given by a patron of the arts.
Patron: I just love your pictures; you must have an excellent camera.
Photographer: Thank you. Your dinner was delicious; you must have excellent pots & pans.