1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true; no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know, I amputated your arms!”
13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the raft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
“But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who posted twenty different puns for his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Thanks Gary J
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
I intend to live forever – so far so good.
I’m pretty sure that the blog was “borrowed” from Ms. Cellania.
Did Scott write those? He is, after all, the B&P Punmaster.
19 is really clever. 😀
This isn’t really a pun, but still one of my favorite humorous little sayings. Last night, as a lay in bed, I looked up at the stars and wondered… where in the HELL is my ceiling?
Richard, I don’t get what you mean. I assume you mean ‘post’ and not ‘blog’. I got the puns in an email from a friend (Gary). I did a quick search of Miss C’s site and didn’t see them posted there. She may have posted them at some time, but I got them by email. Sometimes I see something a few times before I actually post it. If I remember where I saw it first I’ll usually credit that source. Sometime I don’t remember so I credit the source where I last saw it. I ALWAYS credit Miss Cellania when I use something from her. Her site is always very good, well written and a great source of entertainment.
Or, are you saying something else?
The correct term is “Punslinger” and Scott is one of the few that is much better than I.
DJ isn’t bad either.
When DJ’s Bad….He’s Good.
I liked #19 too, Maoman. I’ve got the song in my head now though.
Microsoft spell checker killed no 14, though. A fish with no eyes is called a fsh.
In honor of # 13: Just for the halibut I took my wife to the seafood disco, I lobster and I never flounder, I think maybe she wanted to trout someone new, bet that little shrimp lured her away.
Oh well, gulls will be gulls. (apologies to Pinkard & Bowden)
Four blondes walked into a bar, you’d think at least the fourth one would duck.
Kotex says to the Tampon, I’ll have to take your spot, you’re stung out.
One cannibal says to another, man where’s your girlfriend I haven’t seen her lately
other cannibal says, I dumped her this morning.
I like #13! We have a teething baby so I am to tired to think of anything punny to say.
I didn’t write these, but thanks Mike, Maffu, and especially Jonco for the twenty-one puns to loot.
I’m not that conceited, just had to make that attempt at a pun work somehow.
Guy walks into a bar on Halloween with a potato hanging between his legs. The bartender asks “What are you supposed to be?” Guy answers, “A dick ‘tater”.
Haha, Good tater joke coming from a Spud.