You have to be able to understand Newfie-eese to read this. Kind of like crazy as hell Irish.
Newfoundland declares War on the U.S.A.
President Bush was in the Oval Office, wondering which country to invade next, when his phone rang.
“Hallo, President Bush” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal
Pub in Badger’s Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin’ to tells ya dat we are officially
declaring war on ya!”
“Well Archie,” President Bush replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” said Archie, after a moments calculation “there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next
door neighbour Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”
President Bush paused. “I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting
to move on my command.”
“Holy Cow,” said Archie. “I’ll have ta call ya back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have
managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be Archie?” President Bush asked.
“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor.”
President Bush sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored
personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”
“T’underin bye”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back ta ya.”
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. “President Bush, the war is still on! We have
managed ta git ourselves airborne! We up an’ modified Harrigan’s ultra-light wit a couple of
shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well.”
Bush was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Archie that I have
10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided,
surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”
“Jumpins,” said Archie, “I’ll have ta call youse back.”
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell
you dat we have to call off dis ‘ere war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that” said Bush. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a long lunch,
and come to realize dat dere’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
A Leper goes into a bar on one of the hottest days of the year. A lot of people have their shirts off due to the heat so the Leper takes off his shirt too and goes to the bar and orders a pint. As he takes a sip, he looks at a guy on a stool next to him who is glancing in his direction. Suddenly the guy throws up all over the bar. The Leper feels insulted and says,”Excuse me!”
“Sorry,” the guy says,”It’s not your fault.”
The Leper gets even more insulted and says,”Well, if it’s not my fault, whose fault is it?”
The guy on the stool swallows down hard and manages to blurt out,”It’s the drunk guy behind you dipping chips in your back.”
Definitely off color…stop reading if easily offended…..
Two guys are walking down the railroad tracks in a rural area.
There’s a path that splits off that they know ends up back on the tracks.
They decide to take the different paths.
When they meet again, the guy that walked the path said it was beautiful. Birds were singing, trees and flowers were blooming.
The guy that walked the tracks said “You’ll never believe what I saw”
“There was a woman with a beautiful body tied to the tracks”
His friend said, “Oh my God. Did you untie her?”
“Of course I did” he said.
His friend said “she must have been very grateful. Did you bang her?”
Oh yes I did. Three times”
His friend said “That is great. Did you get any head?”
“Nah….I looked everywhere and I couldn’t find it.”
ha ha,great joke, John. It sounds better coming from a womans mouth! John are you the guy standing on the horse in mugshots? We need to hook up for a cold beer. Great pic by the way.
I was in church this morning and an old cockie (farmer to you non-Aussies) and his wife were sitting near the back. Just as the sermon started the old fellow nodded off and started snoring loudly. His wife was embarrassed because he does it every week … but a friend nearby handed her a package and told her to unwrap it and waft it under her husband’s nose. She unwrapped it and found a piece of really ripe gorgonzola cheese. She wafted it under his nose. It worked! He snorted, sat up, and yelled, “Ethel! Get ya feet of my pillow!”
Well…statistically speaking, of the folks that have commented on it recently, 66% of us think it’s a woman…. But….I guess I’ll have to force myself to go back and look closely and repeatedly at the picture until I know for sure.
Besides, you can’t go on hands. Many years ago after many shots of Wild Turkey 101 (you are what you drink), I met a beautiful young lass with slightly rough hands…well, come to think of it, she was pretty muscular too….and when the light was just right, there was something of a bristly shadow on her face…Wait a second here!!!
Baby seal goes into a bar, the barman says “What’ll it be?”.
The seal replies “Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks!”.
last one works for me DJ 🙂
DJ,keep ’em coming, I forget jokes after 5 minutes, BUTT I remember one that you might dig, wait till the kids are sleeping.
Today is my birthday!!
HAPPY HAPPY, 27??
You were an inspiration to Barry Manilower.
Mandy…Your avatar is HOT…Is that you or one of infidel’s avatars?
You have to be able to understand Newfie-eese to read this. Kind of like crazy as hell Irish.
Newfoundland declares War on the U.S.A.
President Bush was in the Oval Office, wondering which country to invade next, when his phone rang.
“Hallo, President Bush” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal
Pub in Badger’s Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin’ to tells ya dat we are officially
declaring war on ya!”
“Well Archie,” President Bush replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” said Archie, after a moments calculation “there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next
door neighbour Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”
President Bush paused. “I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting
to move on my command.”
“Holy Cow,” said Archie. “I’ll have ta call ya back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have
managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be Archie?” President Bush asked.
“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor.”
President Bush sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored
personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”
“T’underin bye”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back ta ya.”
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. “President Bush, the war is still on! We have
managed ta git ourselves airborne! We up an’ modified Harrigan’s ultra-light wit a couple of
shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well.”
Bush was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Archie that I have
10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided,
surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”
“Jumpins,” said Archie, “I’ll have ta call youse back.”
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell
you dat we have to call off dis ‘ere war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that” said Bush. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a long lunch,
and come to realize dat dere’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!!!!
LOL!
Bella – I’m still trying to recover from your RR track joke.
:0
Too funny, what in the heck does “Jumpins” mean?
88 degrees above zero in STL.
50F here KLAW, but I did manage to get all front lawn raked for the first time. Yahoo. No more winter.
Scraped frost on car Wednesday morning, Friday afternoon 87F.
Come on global warming!…Ohio: The New Florida.
LOL @ Bella…Oh Canada.
51F here today! Same as Bella!
As promised I have a joke from dinner with my particularly inappropriate step-sister. She is awesome!
Q. Two gay men are having sex and there house catches on fire. Who gets out first?
A. The bottom guy. His Sh!ts already packed!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Sorry may have gone to far!
That is so wrong!!!!! Why am I laughing so packing hard?
Is the other gay okay?
A Leper goes into a bar on one of the hottest days of the year. A lot of people have their shirts off due to the heat so the Leper takes off his shirt too and goes to the bar and orders a pint. As he takes a sip, he looks at a guy on a stool next to him who is glancing in his direction. Suddenly the guy throws up all over the bar. The Leper feels insulted and says,”Excuse me!”
“Sorry,” the guy says,”It’s not your fault.”
The Leper gets even more insulted and says,”Well, if it’s not my fault, whose fault is it?”
The guy on the stool swallows down hard and manages to blurt out,”It’s the drunk guy behind you dipping chips in your back.”
I threw up just a little in my nose, DJ.
warning put drinks down first
Hi, Bitsy. ¡¡noʎ ʌnl ˙noʎ ɹoɟ ɹǝlooɔ sı ɹǝɥʇɐǝʍ ǝɥʇ pɐlƃ
Thanks Bella! You have certainly figured out the ǝɥʇ ǝpısdn uʍop ƃuıɥʇ!
Please send me that upside down program, or is it top secret. It amazes me.
http://www.sherv.net/flip.html
And that is Thanks to DJ. He’s our mentor. Coz I don’t know SH!T.
Definitely off color…stop reading if easily offended…..
Two guys are walking down the railroad tracks in a rural area.
There’s a path that splits off that they know ends up back on the tracks.
They decide to take the different paths.
When they meet again, the guy that walked the path said it was beautiful. Birds were singing, trees and flowers were blooming.
The guy that walked the tracks said “You’ll never believe what I saw”
“There was a woman with a beautiful body tied to the tracks”
His friend said, “Oh my God. Did you untie her?”
“Of course I did” he said.
His friend said “she must have been very grateful. Did you bang her?”
Oh yes I did. Three times”
His friend said “That is great. Did you get any head?”
“Nah….I looked everywhere and I couldn’t find it.”
D’Oh!
John – Did this happen in British Columbia?
ha ha,great joke, John. It sounds better coming from a womans mouth! John are you the guy standing on the horse in mugshots? We need to hook up for a cold beer. Great pic by the way.
John, I have fallen off of horses sitting down, that pic of you is great.
Infidel, I think KLAW was B.S.ing you and that was a girl on the runway.
Gotta watch him coz he’s a sly little bugger.
NO I AIN’T.
maybe?
Well, Klaw, any time a horse is sitting down, it’s easy to fall off.
@DJ
No, this was in Soviet Russia. 😀
And yeah, Bella, I agree, that has to be a woman on the runway.
Take care, Jonco. Glad the neck is feeling somewhat better. I always hated taking drugs for anything besides recreation.
I was in church this morning and an old cockie (farmer to you non-Aussies) and his wife were sitting near the back. Just as the sermon started the old fellow nodded off and started snoring loudly. His wife was embarrassed because he does it every week … but a friend nearby handed her a package and told her to unwrap it and waft it under her husband’s nose. She unwrapped it and found a piece of really ripe gorgonzola cheese. She wafted it under his nose. It worked! He snorted, sat up, and yelled, “Ethel! Get ya feet of my pillow!”
LOL @ Effer.
revrick, if you can prove that is a woman, I will kiss Bella’s butt.
Well…statistically speaking, of the folks that have commented on it recently, 66% of us think it’s a woman…. But….I guess I’ll have to force myself to go back and look closely and repeatedly at the picture until I know for sure.
Ummm…maybe because there’s a control thingie on the side rather than a stick shift? That new-fangled underwear confuses me…
rev, it’s a dude, look at HIS hands. LOL
What hands….I’m still trying to figure out the control thingie.
Infidel, I am behind you all the way, wink!!
97
98
99
Besides, you can’t go on hands. Many years ago after many shots of Wild Turkey 101 (you are what you drink), I met a beautiful young lass with slightly rough hands…well, come to think of it, she was pretty muscular too….and when the light was just right, there was something of a bristly shadow on her face…Wait a second here!!!
rev, you broke the 100 barrier, your gift is in the mail, finish your story.