117 thoughts on “Saturday open mike”

  1. Baby seal goes into a bar, the barman says “What’ll it be?”.
    The seal replies “Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks!”.

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  2. DJ,keep ’em coming, I forget jokes after 5 minutes, BUTT I remember one that you might dig, wait till the kids are sleeping.

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  3. You have to be able to understand Newfie-eese to read this. Kind of like crazy as hell Irish.

    Newfoundland declares War on the U.S.A.

    President Bush was in the Oval Office, wondering which country to invade next, when his phone rang.
    “Hallo, President Bush” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal
    Pub in Badger’s Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin’ to tells ya dat we are officially
    declaring war on ya!”
    “Well Archie,” President Bush replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
    “Right now,” said Archie, after a moments calculation “there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next
    door neighbour Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”
    President Bush paused. “I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting
    to move on my command.”
    “Holy Cow,” said Archie. “I’ll have ta call ya back!”
    Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have
    managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
    “And what equipment would that be Archie?” President Bush asked.
    “Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor.”
    President Bush sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored
    personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”
    “T’underin bye”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back ta ya.”
    Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. “President Bush, the war is still on! We have
    managed ta git ourselves airborne! We up an’ modified Harrigan’s ultra-light wit a couple of
    shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well.”
    Bush was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Archie that I have
    10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided,
    surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”
    “Jumpins,” said Archie, “I’ll have ta call youse back.”
    Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell
    you dat we have to call off dis ‘ere war.”
    “I’m sorry to hear that” said Bush. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
    “Well sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a long lunch,
    and come to realize dat dere’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”

    CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!!!!

    LOL!

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  4. 51F here today! Same as Bella!
    As promised I have a joke from dinner with my particularly inappropriate step-sister. She is awesome!

    Q. Two gay men are having sex and there house catches on fire. Who gets out first?

    A. The bottom guy. His Sh!ts already packed!

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Sorry may have gone to far!

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  5. A Leper goes into a bar on one of the hottest days of the year. A lot of people have their shirts off due to the heat so the Leper takes off his shirt too and goes to the bar and orders a pint. As he takes a sip, he looks at a guy on a stool next to him who is glancing in his direction. Suddenly the guy throws up all over the bar. The Leper feels insulted and says,”Excuse me!”
    “Sorry,” the guy says,”It’s not your fault.”
    The Leper gets even more insulted and says,”Well, if it’s not my fault, whose fault is it?”
    The guy on the stool swallows down hard and manages to blurt out,”It’s the drunk guy behind you dipping chips in your back.”

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  6. Definitely off color…stop reading if easily offended…..

    Two guys are walking down the railroad tracks in a rural area.
    There’s a path that splits off that they know ends up back on the tracks.
    They decide to take the different paths.
    When they meet again, the guy that walked the path said it was beautiful. Birds were singing, trees and flowers were blooming.
    The guy that walked the tracks said “You’ll never believe what I saw”
    “There was a woman with a beautiful body tied to the tracks”
    His friend said, “Oh my God. Did you untie her?”
    “Of course I did” he said.
    His friend said “she must have been very grateful. Did you bang her?”
    Oh yes I did. Three times”
    His friend said “That is great. Did you get any head?”

    “Nah….I looked everywhere and I couldn’t find it.”

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  7. ha ha,great joke, John. It sounds better coming from a womans mouth! John are you the guy standing on the horse in mugshots? We need to hook up for a cold beer. Great pic by the way.

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  8. Take care, Jonco. Glad the neck is feeling somewhat better. I always hated taking drugs for anything besides recreation.

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  9. I was in church this morning and an old cockie (farmer to you non-Aussies) and his wife were sitting near the back. Just as the sermon started the old fellow nodded off and started snoring loudly. His wife was embarrassed because he does it every week … but a friend nearby handed her a package and told her to unwrap it and waft it under her husband’s nose. She unwrapped it and found a piece of really ripe gorgonzola cheese. She wafted it under his nose. It worked! He snorted, sat up, and yelled, “Ethel! Get ya feet of my pillow!”

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  10. Well…statistically speaking, of the folks that have commented on it recently, 66% of us think it’s a woman…. But….I guess I’ll have to force myself to go back and look closely and repeatedly at the picture until I know for sure.

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  11. Ummm…maybe because there’s a control thingie on the side rather than a stick shift? That new-fangled underwear confuses me…

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  12. Besides, you can’t go on hands. Many years ago after many shots of Wild Turkey 101 (you are what you drink), I met a beautiful young lass with slightly rough hands…well, come to think of it, she was pretty muscular too….and when the light was just right, there was something of a bristly shadow on her face…Wait a second here!!!

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