1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A 20 small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Thanks Gene
A man fell into the upholstery machine. Now he’s fully recovered.
A cold person in a kayak lit a fire to keep warm, but the kayak sank. He learned that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
In other news, corduroy pillows are making headlines…
It’s hard to find a protitute on Halloween…she’s out treating her trick.
When my friend from Prague drinks too much…I have to right a Czech.
I may not be punny, but i’m having pun.
It’s not always obvious,but I do know how to spell prostitute.
Jonco, what is “Creatyive”???
Richard it means screwup. Corrected. Thanks.
Good eye Richard, I looked right at it and never saw it.
haha Gary you rock.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure…
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Did you hear about the man who had his entire left side cut off?
He’s all right now.
A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!”
The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
She was only the stablemans daughter but all of the horse men new her
Three ropes met outside a bar.
The first rope went in and ordered a drink. The bartender said, “Are you a rope?”
The rope replied, “Yes.”
“We don’t serve ropes here. Get out!” The rope left and told his friends what happened. The second rope went in, and the same thing happened.
The third rope said, “I have an idea. Help tie me into a knot. Now, fray my ends a little.” His friends helped him out, and he entered the bar.
The bartender said, “Are you a rope?”
He replied, “Nope. I’m a frayed knot.”
She was only a hatters daughter but she liked her ol felt at.
She was only a pickpockets daughter but you should have seen her snatch.
She was only a butchers daughter but her undercut was dripping.
tdc wins!
I thought my nose was running, but it’s snot.
My son and I love sunflower seeds, he’s the spitting image of me.
I tried to hire a crazy mechanic, but the nut bolted.
My friend the electrician said, as a child he was always grounded.
And then there’s that canibal that passed his friend in the street.
Thanks Kate…bows.
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said “Morning.”
He replied, “No, just having a shit.”
Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo!
If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don’t come running to me!
She was only the bartender’s daughter,
but we all wanted to liquor.
He was so depressed, I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
You show me a piano falling down a mine, and i’ll show you a flat minor.
The problem with asexual reproduction in plants
is there’s this big stigma attached to it…
What do you do
When an elephant comes through your window?
Start swimming.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega sore-ass.
What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur??
Lickalottapuss.
I once entered a pun competition…
…there were only nine other entries.
Can you believe not one of them won?
In fact, no pun in ten did.
Bill: ‘Monica, I need a bit of quiet in here and that lunch was awful – do something about it will you?’
Monica: ‘So you want me to hold your calls and sack your cook?’
Mate: You know, I used to go out with a girl from the Carribean.
Me: Jamaica?
Mate: No, she wanted to.
The world’s most popular Abba tribute act
are from Australia.
Ironic, don’t you think, considering all the Abba-originals here.
Me (pretending to do crossword): “I’m stuck on this clue – A Busy Postman.”
victim: “How many letters?”
me: “thousands!”
ok I’m done now.
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He laid awake all night long wondering if there was a dog.
Did you hear about the waitress that backed into a fan?
Disaster.
Did you hear about the balloonist? I hear he’s full of hot air!