Exclamations:
“Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!”
“Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”
Threats:
“I’ll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle.”
“This’ll jar your preserves.”
“Don’t you be makin’ me open a can o’ whoop-ass on ya!”
Good Things/Compliments:
“Cute as a sack full of puppies.”
“If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”
“Gooder than grits.”
The Weather:
“It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”
“It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”
Wintry roads are said to be “slicker than otter snot.”
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is “like a booger that you can’t thump off.”
When something is bad then you say, “that ain’t no count.”
If something is hard to do, it’s “like trying to herd cats.”
“He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin.”
A hectic schedule keeps you “Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.”
Insults:
“She’s uglier than homemade soap.”
“Your momma’s so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said ‘To be continued.’”
“He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”
“Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.”
“The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead”
Any insulting statement is always followed by “bless his/her heart.”
Example: “She’s dumber than a door knob, bless her heart.”
Yes, i have actually used several of these. (Texas)
He’s slower than my dead Granny.
That’s so good, you’ll slap your Momma.
One of my favs (being from North Carolina)…
When a transplanted Northerner claimed that her kids (born after the move south) would be considered Southerners, a person cool replied:
If a cat had kittens in the oven, you wouldn’t call em biscuits!
Slicker than snail snot.
Dumber than a bowl of mice.
Bless her heart.
Hows yer mom-n-em?
Finer than frog’s hair.
Upon feeling better:
Got a little more giddy up and go.
It’s so good it’ll make ya steal things out of your own car!
I’ve used some of those and heard a few other people using other ones in North Carolina.
you cain’t fix stupid
I wouldn’t piss down his throat if his guts was on fire.
His mama and daddy must of been brother and sister.
He was so addled he didn’t know whether to wind his @ss or scratch his watch.
Grandma always told us kids “now ya’ll play purty”
Busy – Flat out like a lizard drinking.
Insults/descriptions – Uglier than a hat full of arseholes. Face like a dropped pie. Thick as a brick sh!t house.
Exclamation – Well f#@k me dry and call me dusty!
Don’t cost any money to pay attention.
I will rip off your head….and sh!t in the hole.
Ohh and my personal favourite. I’ll rip ya farken arms of stick ’em in your ears and ride you like a motorbike!
That’s good, Bitsy!!! Yeehaw!!!!
Busier’n a one-legged man in a @ss-kickin contest.
Dumber’n a bucket of hair.
He aint worth the powder to blow his brains out.
And ifn yer uncle had tits he’d be yer aunt.
Pull ma finger.
Nervous as a whore in church
Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs
I remember when he was knee high to a grasshopper. <– I laughed the first time I heard someone say that 😛
I’ll slap you so hard you’ll have snot in your shoes.
My mom used to say: “You’d complain if you were hung with a new rope.”
I STILL don’t quite get that one!
Where is…
If it was up your a$$ kickin’ footballs you’d know where is was, wouldn’t ya?
wouldn’t sh*t in his mouth if he was starvin to death.
Man you really gotta hate some body there.
if you keep your mouth shut you cant get your foot in it
A lot of these are so common where I live that I never realized how funny they sound to outsiders! It’s like when someone posted a picture of Kudzu on Neatorama and dozens of folks said they’d never heard of it. Whut?
Weather:
Raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock
Hotter than a pea-dipped pistol after a mountain feud.
Insults:
Her butt looks like two sows fighting in a gunny sack…
Kudzu? What’s that?
It’s a very serious weed-like vine that grows about a foot a day, and covers vast acreage of land in The South.
Kudzu, the inspiration for the chemical defoliant,
Agent Orange….And if thats not the truth, it should be.
I remember the first time I ever saw kudzu in either Georgia or Florida…it can be a dramatic and beautiful sight from a distance. It covers trees, power poles, barns, wires, billboards…I asked somebody what that awesome stuff covering everything was, and they flipped out. I thought I was gonna get punched.
I onceted said that, “In the country, they’d say that it’s raining harder than a two-c*nted cow pissing on a flat rock.” The fella asked what country I was from.
Kudzu was imported from Japan in the 1930s in order to stave off soil erosion in the south. Oops. The large roots can be ground into a flour and the vines and leaves can be used to feed livestock.
When it overgrows buildings, it has been called Kudzu Kastles, on postcards.
One of my personal favorites was from my mama: “If you doan’t straighten yourself up right now, I’m gonna slap the taste right outta your mouth.” or, “I’m gonna slap you into next week if you doan’t behave yourself.”
Some of my faves are
“Kiss my grits”
“She thinks she’s all that and a bowl of grits.” Meaning she thinks she’s great
“Ya et yet?” This means Have you eaten yet? If person replies no then they say. “Ya onta” Which means Do you want to?
“Shut my mouth!”
“Eatin high on the hog”
“Pitch a hissie fit”
and none i hear VERY often
“Gimme some sugar.” my little cousin who is 2 doesnt know what a kiss or a hug is. she only know ‘sugar’Z