Borrowing a page from J-Walk blog…. and the fact that I really don’t have time right now to ‘scour’, I’m asking to to entertain yourselves… and each other. (I’m working on a project for a Christmas Party tomorrow night.)
So, I’m opening up the webwaves to you, the loyal Bits & Pieces readers. Talk about anything you want…. post links, discuss politics or whatever floats your boat. My only request is that you make it kinda, sorta Safe For Work.
I’ll try to check in later and see how you’re doing.
I thought so too. glad you liked it.
I could see infidel in this one. . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MWD6Bn_0H4
A blueberry muffin and a chocolate chip muffin baking in the oven.
Chocolate turns to blueberry and says, “Whew, sure is hot in here!!”
Blueberry goes, “HOLY CRAP!!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!”
TenderKiss that was too funny and she was a blonde too, DAYUM Im not that stupid and I dont really care about the backdoor thing,sorry dear
Mike much like Jonco I havent read your long post but I will later,its a little to much Jim Beam and coke from before
And the Army and Marines will be fighting over the last M-16.
You don’t much about weapons if you think the M-16 is worth fighing over.
Thanks, Z-Cat!
heehee,
hee hee
I’m feeling very inadequate! Right here’s my best!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef!
Two goldfish were in their tank. On said to the other ” I’ll man the guns, you steer!”
Two elephants fell off a cliff,
Boom boom.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left him.
Yes I live with a 10 year old!
Mike, you make me wish I was all the things I’m not brave enough to be. Inspiring post! Thank you.
Affirmation
To grow old is to lose everything.
Aging, everybody knows it.
Even when we are young,
we glimpse it sometimes, and nod our heads
when a grandfather dies.
Then we row for years on the midsummer
pond, ignorant and content. But a marriage,
that began without harm, scatters
into debris on the shore,
and a friend from school drops
cold on a rocky strand.
If a new love carries us
past middle age, our wife will die
at her strongest and most beautiful.
New women come and go. All go.
The pretty lover who announces
that she is temporary
is temporary. The bold woman,
middle-aged against our old age,
sinks under an anxiety she cannot withstand.
Another friend of decades estranges himself
in words that pollute thirty years.
Let us stifle under mud at the pond’s edge
and affirm that it is fitting
and delicious to lose everything.
Donald Hall
Bitscared,
ground beef….heh heh heh heh
Woman confesses to a priest. Forgive me father I have sinned, last night I made love to my boyfriend 5 times. Priest studies her for a few moments, then says cut and squeeze 5 lemons and drink the juice. Will this cleanse me of my sins?.No, but it should wipe that self satisfied smirk off your face.
Thanks Mike,i thoroughly enjoyed reading your presentation…im not sure if i understood it all at first glance but i will re-visit for sure…
Gary,for a thirteen year old your son has talent beyond his years you must be very proud…
My Gran said to me,”Young men of today just aren`t as polite and charming as they were when i was young”.I had to explain,”Thats because they aren`t trying to f**k you now.”
A guy walks into the library and asks the librarian if he can borrow a book on suicide,she says ,F**k off ,you wont bring it back.”
Sorry…thanks everyone and i hope you all have a great memorable Christmas.
A priest checks into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk,”I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?”She says,”No sir,it`s just regular porn.You sick bastard.”
Mike I have a ar-15 a2 and I love it,the a1 does suck, the trick is to keep the thing clean…. as in clean it each time you use it,I mean field strip it and yes I know how to do it,the ak47 does require less work to keep it going and I think is the best rifle in the world,and to piss the liberals off I have 40 round clips YEAH!! and Im not some crazy fu*k I also have a weapons permit
Oh yea I forgot have you people ever tried diet coke DAYUM!!! even Jack D and Jim Beam cant help that sh*t DAYUM thats some bad sh*t
oh my bitscared,
*Two goldfish were in their tank. On said to the other ” I’ll man the guns, you steer!”
…. I honestly had to read that three or four times to get it… then i giggled like a school girl 😀 It’s late ok haha
Seemed appropriate!
Ok- one of my favorite videos ever- some of my friends even claim: “this one wins the internet!”
The X-Rated Parrot:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYbOQETOQUE
Thanks Tony, and I am. btw lmao @ disabled porn
lmao the parrot has been on the web for a while ,its too funny,come on everybody lets see how high we can get the comments count
Here’s a few jokes I’ve found entertaining. They’re long, but they’re good.
Jason was on his first day working for the prison. He was given lunch duty, along with a few other guards. Jason watched the prisoners, wondering if everyday was going to be this boring. All the prisoners were eating in complete silence, moving about as if it was rehearsed. Suddenly, one of the prisoners stood up, and shouted out, “NINETY SEVEN!” Laughs and chuckles spread through the room, and Jason looked at the other guards, wondering what was up, and some of them were smiling, even. A few minutes later, another prisoner stood up and screamed, “TWO HUNDRED NINE!!!” The cafeteria dissolved into chaos, as everyone burst into laughter, falling out of chairs, knocking over trays, and rolling on the ground. Finally it calmed down, and another couple minutes later, another prisoner stood up and yelled, “ONE HUNDRED FORTY SEVEN!!” ….Silence. Finally, Jason went over to another guard and asked what was up. The guard said, “Well, the prisoners aren’t allowed to talk during lunch, but we allow them to write out jokes in the sand on their break and number them. Then, the prisoners can shout out the number of a joke, remind everyone of it, and they get a good laugh.” “So what about the last guy?” The guard snickered, “Well, some people just can’t tell a joke!”
(Note: This joke is sort of all or nothing, either it’s hilarious or completely stupid. It’s weird like that.)
A farmer comes home from the market with a young, new rooster to replace his old rooster, who hadn’t been performing so well. As the farmer walked away from the pen, the young rooster said to the old one, “Hey, paps, you’d better scat if you know whats good for you. I’m here to replace you, and you know what that means for you.” The old rooster nodded and said, “I’ll go quietly and calmly under one condition” “What’s that?” “You have to beat me in a race.” The young rooster laughed, as the old one was in no condition to race, “Are you serious?” The old rooster nodded, and the young one said, “Heck, old paps, i’ll even give you a head start! We’ll race from here over to that chicken house over there.” They counted off and the old rooster started running unsteadily towards the chicken house. Five seconds or so later, the young chicken started chasing after him, at which point the farmer jumped up, took aim with his rifle, and shot the young rooster dead. “Dammit! Third gay rooster this week!”
A guy was jogging around the block, and as he passed the crazy house, he heard something a little unusual. It sounded like all the crazies were standing out in the back yard of the place, chanting, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!” The guy couldn’t see through the fence though, so he continued running. He passed, however, a small hole in the fence. The guy decided to stop and peek through the hole, very curious as to what was happening, while the crazies continued to chant, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!” The guy got on his knees, put his eye up to the hole, and got just a glimpse of twenty or so people standing around a picnic table before he was suddenly jabbed in the eye. The man fell backwards, yelping with pain, and he heard the crazies chant, “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!”
A redhead, a brunette and a blond were stuck in a desert in the middle of nowhere. They stumble across a magic lamp, and the brunette, remembering her childhood stories, rubbed the lamp in desperation. To the groups surprise, a genie popped out. The genie said, “Thank you for freeing me! In return, I will grant you each one wish.” The redhead said, “I’m hungry and thirsty, I wish I was at a restaurant in New York City.” The genie snapped his fingers and the redhead disappeared. The brunette said, “I miss my family, I wish I was back home in Utah.” The genie snapped his fingers, and she too, disappeared. The blond thought for a moment before saying, “I’m lonely, I wish my friends were back.”
Here’s two commercials for an energy drink called Powerthirst. If you don’t like ridiculously random and pointless crap that makes no sense, meaning the type of humor of Robot Chicken, Family Guy, etc… don’t watch. Otherwise, Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-3qncy5Qfk&feature=related
That’s all from me. Merry Happy Christmahanukwanzamas!
WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER
If you didn’t see this on the Tonight show, I hope you’re sitting down when
you read it.
This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter…Snowing and quite cold… and the guy had taken
her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
It was a day trip (no overnight).
They were strangers, after all, and had
never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they
were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an
hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her
companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point
where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road,
or it would be the front seat of his car .
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants
down and started.
In the deep snow she didn’t have good footing, so she let
her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood
on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman
and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she
felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As shebent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were
firmly glued against the car’s fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles
immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the
icy metal.
It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to
the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the
moment, she answered her date’s concerns about’ what is taking so long’ witha reply that indeed, she was ‘freezing her butt off’ and in need of some
assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her
sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as thesituation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the
grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only
one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first time
date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize handsdown. Or perhaps that should be ‘pants down. ‘And you thought your firstdate was embarrassing. Jay Leno’s comment…’This gives a whole new meaningto being pissed off.
‘
Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno show.
okay, horray!
yeah- I’m a little slow at times getting some of the funnies off the net….
So if anyone has a favorite joke or video you’d like to share- there’s a good chance I may have never seen it yet!
So share please!! 🙂
Here are a few that are kinda kool.
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=21104
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=36474
http://www.slightlywarped.com/crapfactory/curiosities/betweentheseconds.htm
bitscared – “Yes I live with a 10 year old!”
Wow…that’s young! Australia’s laws are so different – are you guys planning on having children?
Where’s Bella?
Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….” “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question.”
“Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’!”
Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”
Hi, DJ. Thanks for thinking of me! I was studying the hangover chart coz it was our Christmas party last night. Oh, boy. I’m just amazed at how much fun everyone had here and how witty people are. It’s Great!
Good Lord DJ! I’m not an American school teacher! I just rent a room to him in exchange for bad jokes!!
bitscared – HAHAHA!
I’m sorry, but the end is here.
http://www.stumbleupon.com/toolbar/#topic=Books&url=http%253A%252F%252Finternetno.ytmnd.com%252F
Maybe I was premature, you gotta see this
http://www.stumbleupon.com/toolbar/#topic=Animals&url=http%253A%252F%252Fwww.metacafe.com%252Fwatch%252F2151688%252Fhero_dog_tries_to_help_wounded_dog%252F