Life cycles

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE     DRINK
17        beer
25        beer
35        vodka
48        double vodka
66        Maalox

HOUSE PET
17    roaches
25    stoned-out college roommate
35    Irish setter
48    children from his first marriage
66    Barbi

SEDUCTION LINE
17    My parents are away for the weekend.
25    My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35    My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48    My wife is away for the weekend.
66    My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT
17    sex
25    sex
35    sex
48    sex
66    napping

DRUG
17    pot
25    coke
35    really good coke
48    power
66    coke, a limousine, the company jet

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17    “tongue”
25    “breakfast”
35    “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48    “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66    “Got home alive.”

FAVORITE FANTASY
17    getting to third
25    airplane sex
35    menage a trois
48    taking the company public
66    Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17    25
25    35
35    48
48    66
66    17

IDEAL DATE
17    Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25    “Split the check before we go back to my place”
35    “Just come over.”
48    “Just come over and cook.”
66    sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

 
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17    Wine Coolers
25    White wine
35    Red wine
48    Dom Perignon
66    Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17    Need to wash my hair
25    Need to wash and condition my hair
35    Need to color my hair
48    Need to have Francois color my hair
66    Need to have Francois color my wig

DRUG
17    shopping
25    shopping
35    shopping
48    shopping
66    shopping

FAVORITE SPORT
17    shopping
25    shopping
35    shopping
48    shopping
66    shopping

FAVORITE FANTASY
17    tall, dark and handsome
25    tall, dark and handsome with money
35    tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48    a man with hair
66    a man

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17    “Burger King”
25    “Free meal”
35    “A diamond”
48    “A bigger diamond”
66    “Home Alone”

WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17    17
25    25
35    35
48    48
66    66

HOUSE PET
17    Muffy the cat
25    Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35    Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48    Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66    Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

IDEAL DATE
17    He offers to pay
25    He pays
35    He cooks breakfast the next morning
48    He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66    He can chew breakfast

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