Rodney Dangerfield

• My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
• It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!
• Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
• A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!
• A hooker once told me she had a headache.
• I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
• If it weren’t for pickpocket s, I’d have no sex life at all.
• I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
• I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
• I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
• My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
• I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
• The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, “Why?” He said, “Because you came home early.”
• My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
• I know I’ m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
• My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
• My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
• My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t of had anything to play with.

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