Bricklayer’s accident report

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This is a bricklayer’s accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation board.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kevin Roben

Thanks Gene

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2 thoughts on “Bricklayer’s accident report”

  2. My introduction to the story was a scratchy recording of Gerard Hoffnung speaking to the Oxford Union Society in 1958, which you can listen to here http://www.wrawby.org.uk/library/fun/hoffnung.html
    Might be difficult for non-english listeners.

    THE SICK NOTE.
    By Pat Cooksey, song written in 1969, based on story printed in Readers Digest, 1937, based on 1920’s british music-hall recitation.
    To the tune of “The Garden where the Praties Grow”

    Dear Sir I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
    For at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
    My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey
    And I write this note to say why Paddy’s not at work today.

    Whilst working on the fourteenth floor,some bricks I had to clear
    To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
    The foreman wasn’t very pleased, the bloody awkward sod
    He said I had to cart them down the ladders in my hod.

    Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow
    So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
    But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
    That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

    And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
    And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
    I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
    That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

    Well the barrel broke my shoulder, as to the ground it sped
    And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head
    I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow
    And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.

    Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
    I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
    Still clinging tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain
    When half way down, I met the bloody barrel once again.

    The force of this collision, half way up the office block
    Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
    Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground
    And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel scattered round.

    I lay there groaning on the ground I thought I’d passed the worst
    But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst
    A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn’t got a hope
    As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the bloody rope.

    The barrel then being heavier then started down once more
    And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor
    It broke three ribs, and my left arm, and I can only say
    That I hope you’ll understand why Paddy’s not at work today.

    Alternative Titles:

    WHY PADDY’S NOT AT WORK TODAY
    THE BRICKLAYERS SONG
    DEAR BOSS
    PADDY AND THE BARRELL
    MURPHY AND THE BRICKS

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