A letter to Proctor and Gamble… maker of Always feminine products

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From Friday Fish Wrap.com

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing!!, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull shit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

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17 thoughts on “A letter to Proctor and Gamble… maker of Always feminine products”

  2. This is a woman with WAY too much time on her hands. I don’t know a woman (wife, mom, sister, etc.) who has periods like this. I have a difficult time believing this was actually sent. Sounds more like something written for an opinion piece, or by someone who thinks they are really witty, but are badly mistaken.

  4. I think the letter is hilarious!!!!! I hate proctor and gamble for many reasons, and I also hate the stupid message on the packaging. Just one more reason…

  6. Take it from someone who was married to someone who did have occasional periods like this when she was in her teens and twenties. I pictured my ex walking into that Walgreens right along with the writer, screaming “I got yer back, bitch!”. Over the years I learned to read the signals when one of these megamonths was imminent, and made sure that I “worked” a little later, got “caught in traffic” more often, and spent time smoothing the damaged feelings of those who encountered her or happened to get ambushed by her on the phone (this was before caller id). Other women in the family had similar (but a little ‘lighter’) experiences. In other words, they didn’t want to kill someone (mostly men), just critically injure them. It would be nice to live on Tony’s planet, and I hope I live long enough to visit there someday, but here on Earth, there indeed are occasional times when it is best to ‘sleep’ with one eye open, the keys in the car, and the 9 and the 1 already pushed.

  7. LMAO. amen to that. that slogan is truly the last thing you’d like to hear on those days.

    but maybe instead of the rifle i’d take a butcher knife and swing it at anyone near me….

  9. there should be a camp you can send people like this too…camp cramp, or camp period… what a wonderful place this would be… my ex could be president…. I truly think she used too sneek a few extra a month just so she could b_tch… did I mention she is an ex… lol

  10. Too many women think they’re entitled/allowed to act like a bitch during their period. It’s not a valid excuse to treat everyone else like dirt. If you know you’re going to be out of whack certain days a month, work harder to keep yourself under control! It’s not like it’s a big surprise or anything.
    I hate women like this who paint every woman with the same brush. We’re not all crazy crones just because of our hormones.
    That being said, the Always slogan is inane.

  11. I think that this letter is absolutely hilarious, and I’m sure that my wife will agree, once she’s over her ‘Monthly’!!!
    I notice alot of the men that have made comments to this post seem to be of the persuasion that it’s an easy thing for a woman to go through, however, my mum and now my wife, plus a few other women I know, have had hellish experiences at that time of the month. Surly, even you, Meg, must have suffered the pain of a nasty period? I know I’ve suffered the sore ears and ringing skull associated with the fallout….lol

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