The explanation

The wife  came home early and found her husband in their bedroom  making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she  was somewhat upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she  cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the  mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce  right away!’

And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a  minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.’  ‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words  you’ll say to me!’

And the husband began — ‘Well, I  was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady  here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and  defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the  car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well  dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten  for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her  home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night,  the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put  on weight. The poor thing devoured them in  moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I  suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed  her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them  away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the  designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t  wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave  her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which  you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

I  found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that  you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those  boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear  because someone at work has a pair the same.’

The  husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so  grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her  to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and  said, ‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife  doesn’t use?’ 

Thanks Joe P

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Broccoli casserole

Skippy A woman goes to her  boyfriend’s parents’ house for Christmas dinner.This is to be her first time meeting the family and  she is very  nervous.  They all sit down and begin eating a fine  meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little  discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her  eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty  fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard  the poof.  Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed,  her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman’s  chair, and said in a rather stern voice, ‘Skippy!’.

The woman thought, ‘This is great!’ and a  big smile came across her face  A  couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.  This time, she didn’t  even hesitate. She let a much louder and longerrrrrrip.  The father again looked  at the dog and yelled, ‘Skippy!’

Once again the woman  smiled and thought ‘Yes!’ A few minutes later the woman had to let  another rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train  whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog  with disgust and yelled, ‘Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!’ 

Thanks Denny

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“It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.”

Brass-monkeyNorthern Britain and Scotland are in the grip of ice and snow, so it seems like a good time to talk about the expression “brass monkey weather”. This idiom is used to indicate that the weather is very cold: It’s brass monkey weather today, isn’t it!

This usage stems from a longer phrase: It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. This is generally perceived as a humorous reference to some unfortunate brass monkey who loses his testicles if the weather is too cold. However, as The Guardian reports, the phrase has quite another origin:

During Nelson’s time, a brass monkey was a triangle of brass attached to the ship’s deck. Cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid on the brass monkey to stop them from rolling loose. Brass, like all metals, contracts as it gets colder. When the temperature was sufficiently cold for the brass to contract enough, the cannonballs would escape from their confinement.

So the expression has nothing to do with monkeys or testicles, just basic science!

via

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What superstitious or quirky habits do you have?

Happy cat superstitionI think I mentioned it before, but when I fly I’ve gotten into the habit of making sure I touch the outside of the airplane door frame when I’m boarding the plane.  I don’t know why I started doing it, but so far since I have, a plane I’m on hasn’t gone down in flames…. not that one did before I started either. 

Maybe I started this habit after the plane I was on in Kansas City about 10 years ago just lost all of it’s hydraulic fluid on the tarmac as we were taxiing for takeoff.   Had the ruptured hydraulic line ruptured five minute later the pilot would have had no control and the plane probably would have gone down in flames.

 We had pulled away from the terminal and heading out towards the runway when we came to a stop.  A moment or two later I noticed the ground crew running out towards our plane.  Several vehicles followed.  I knew this wasn’t a good sign because I’d never seen that before.  They didn’t tell us what was going on for about ten minutes. 

They had to tow us back to the terminal.  They told us they were going to send another plane to take that one’s place.  That was going to take a few hours to get one to K.C..  They ended up delaying another flight (announcing that their flight was delayed) and giving us their plane.  I imagine they did that for several flights until they could get another plane in service to catch up.

What superstitious or quirky little habits do you have?

 

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