Puns for educated minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out  to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

14. A backward poet writes inverse.

15. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts.  In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

16. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine .

17. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

18. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

20. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

21. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

22. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Thanks Gene

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Exercise and aging

Senior1Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
 
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
 
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing..
  
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.  Haven’t lost a pound.  Apparently you have to go there.
 
Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
 
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’
 
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
  
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,…… just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
  
“Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
“I look just fine.”

Thanks Gene

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Are YOU a psychopath?

This is a story about a girl.
While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much the dream guy that she was searching for that she fell in love with him immediately.
However, she never asked for his name or number and afterward could not find anyone who knew who he was.
A few days later the girl killed her own sister.

Question: Why did she kill her sister?

First, find your own answer to this question…. then check out the answer after the break.

Read moreAre YOU a psychopath?

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