A man with a nagging secret couldn’t keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumber yard where he worked.
“How much material did you take?” his priest asked.
“Enough to build my own house, and enough for my son’s house, and houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.”
“This is very serious,” the priest said. “I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?”
“No, Father, I haven’t,” the man replied,
“But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber.”
The man brought his monkey to the bar and the monkey got a little rambunctious. He grabbed a maraschino cherry and popped it in his mouth, Then a peanut and popped it in his mouth then a cue ball. The Bar owner yelled and made the man remove the monkey.
A year later they were back to the same bar, the monkey grabbed a cherry, stuck it in his butt and ate it, then a peanut, stuck it in his butt and ate it …
The bar owner yelled “WHAT the hell is that monkey doing”.
The owner replied, “Ever since the monkey ate the cue ball a few months ago …he makes sure everything fits.”