If Excel were a car
If excel were a car…
- It would crash two or three times per day for no apparent reason. The driver is often hurt, but the car itself receives no permanent damage. You’d just accept this fact, restart the car, and begin your trip again.
Occasionally, your car would fail to restart after a crash, and you’d have to reinstall the engine.For some strange reason, you’d just accept this too.- You would be forced to buy a new model every 18 months, and your old model would have no resale value. Each new model would be bigger that the previous one, require more gas, and would operate differently. Furthermore, parts from the old car would not be interchangeable with the new car.
- You could call a special phone number when you had a problem. The phone would be staffed by people who know less about your car than you do.
- There would be a special Macintosh model, powered by the sun. However, it would only run on 5 percent of the roads and require different driving skills.
- You would have to spend additional money to buy the operating manuals.
- The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single warning light: “This car has performed an illegal operation.”
- Before engaging, the airbag system would display a message, “Are you sure?”
- Every time you looked under the hood, an obnoxious cartoon character would appear and ask if you need help. No matter how many time you refused help, it would keep appearing.
- A special feature would let you automatically record the route for a particular trip, so you could repeat the trip automatically later on. However, after repeating the trip you always end up at a different location.
You know you’re a cop if…
You have the bladder capacity of five people
You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience
You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air
Your idea of a good time is a “man with a gun” call
You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills
You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see
You have your weekends off planned for a year
You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce
You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it’s located
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: “Suicide…getting it Right the first time.
You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably
You think caffeine should be available in IV form
You believe anyone who says, “I only had two beers” is going to blow more than a .O8
You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around
Anyone has ever said to you, “There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me.”
People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places … and you know where it’s located
You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body
You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession. (ISN’T THIS THE TRUTH!)
You walk into places and people think it’s high comedy to grab their buddy and shout, “They’ve come to get you, Bill.”
You do not see daylight from November until May
People shout, “I didn’t do it!” when you walk into a room and think they’re being hugely funny and original
A week’s worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks,and 5 pairs of underwear
You’ve ever referred to Tuesday as “my weekend”, or “this is my Friday.”
You’ve ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, it sure is quiet tonight.”
Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you
You find humor in other people’s stupidity
You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you’ve eaten
You feel good when you hear “these handcuffs are too tight.”
Bubba is driving down a back road in South Carolina.
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord a'mighty," he says to himself, "my three favorite things!