My parents always told me I wouldn’t amount to anything because I procrastinated so much. I told them, “Just you wait”.
– Judy Tenuta
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..’
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
– Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
– Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
– George Burns
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
– Rodney Dangerfield
Money can’t buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
– Spike Milligan
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
– W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
– Billy Crystal