How the media will report the end of the world

Were deadWhen the End of the World Arrives, How Will the Media Report It?

USA Today: WE’RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: ‘BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “Armageddon” DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft’s Web Site: IF YOU DIDN’T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

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Man Survives Mile-Long Ride Through Poop Chute

Sewer Man Hole_fullA construction worker from western Missouri is recovering today after he was flushed through more than a mile of sewer pipe yesterday morning.

Daniel Collins was working on the sewage system in the town of Raymore, outside Kansas City, when his safety line became unhooked and he was swept away by waste water flowing through the sewer.

As the Associated Press reports, Collins was pushed through more than a mile of 27-inch-wide sewer pipe for nearly 90 minutes. Workers checking manholes along the sewer line finally heard his calls for help around 10 a.m.

Collins was in and out of consciousness when rescued. He’s now being treated for hypothermia and given antibiotics to ward off infection from swallowing who-knows-how-much sewage water. Somebody get this man some Listerine, a medal and a less shitty occupation. Pronto.

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