5 Secrets your waiter doesn’t want you to know

Waiter1. In most restaurants, after 8 p.m. or so, all the coffee is decaf because no one wants to clean two different coffeepots. I’ll bring out a tray with 12 coffees on it and give some to the customers who ordered regular, others to the ones who ordered decaf. But they’re all decaf.

2. If you’re a vegetarian and you ask if we use vegetable stock, I’m going to say yes, even if we don’t. You’ll never know the difference.

3. I’ve never seen anybody do anything to your food, but I have seen servers mess with your credit card. If a server doesn’t like you, he might try to embarrass you in front of your business associate or date by bringing your credit card back and saying, “Do you have another card? This one didn’t go through.”

4. Even at the best breakfast buffet in the world, 99 times out of 100, the big pan of scrambled eggs is made from a powder.

5. Don’t order fish on Sunday or Monday. The fish deliveries are usually twice a week, so Tuesday through Friday are great days. Or ask the restaurant when they get theirs.

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You know you’re too fat when…

10. When you get to the bottom of a stairway, your tummy takes one more step.

9. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

8. You put mayonnaise on aspirin.

7. Your blood type is Ragu.

6. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

5. You ran away from home and they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton for your picture.

4. You could sell shade.

3. Your driver’s license says, ‘Picture continued on other side.’

2. You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

1. You dance and it makes the band skip.