The monkey and the cue ball

Cue ball2A guy walks into a pool hall with his pet monkey and orders a drink. While he’s drinking, the monkey is busy running all over the place and getting into everything.

Pretty soon, the bartender says to the guy, ” Did you see what your monkey just did? He got into the fruit tray and ate up half of the fruit!”

“Oh, yeah”, says the guy, ” he’s crazy and he’ll eat anything. Just put it on my tab and I’ll take care of it.”

A few minutes later the bartender comes up to the guy and says, ” Did you see what your monkey did this time? He jumped up on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball!”

“I told you he’s crazy and he’ll eat anything”, says the guy, “just put it on my tab.”

Pretty soon the guy finishes his drinks, pays the tab, picks up the monkey and leaves.

About a week later, in comes the guy with his monkey again and orders a drink. The monkey again starts getting into everything.

After a few minutes the bartender says to the guy, ” Did you see that? Your monkey just took a cherry out of the fruit tray, stuck it in his butt, pulled it out and ate it!”

“Yeah”, says the guy, “he’s still crazy and he’ll eat anything, but now, after that cue ball, he measures first!”


The cowboy and the city slicker

An oldie but a goodie….

A  cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?” 

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.      

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .  

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.       

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”    

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.   

Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”  

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.    

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. .       

Now give me back my dog. 

Thanks Gene