Old folks jokes

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:  ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’

‘Yep!’

‘Do I know her?’

‘Nope!’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’

‘Not really.’

‘Is she a good cook?’

‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’

‘Does she have lots of money?’

‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’

Well, then, is she good in bed?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. ….Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.  

 ‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure..’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. ‘

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.  ‘Where’s my toast ?’

Thanks Gene

0

Signs you’re getting old

1.  Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 

3. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6.  There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8.  You can eat supper at 4 pm. 

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10.  You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12.  You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 

13.  You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15  . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 

16.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17.  Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 

Gods waiting room

Alphabet soup

Bmw bumper sticker

Retired

Thanks Gene

0

This is why we love old people…

They are so ingenious….

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’

The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would
walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’

The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’

‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

 The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady!  I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

Thanks  Gene

0

Sunday paper

Lady on phone“WHERE is my SUNDAY  paper?!” The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

“Madam”, said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY.”

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
“Well, shit, so that’s why no one was at church today.” 

Thanks Gene

0

From a technologically a challenged senior citizen

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1,800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook  and Twitter.
 
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.  I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
 
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
 
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.  I am not ready to live like this.  I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
 
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.  I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [Blue tooth but it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.  I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
 
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time.  Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-cal-cu-lating.”  You would think that she could be nicer.  It was like she could barely tolerate me.  She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
 
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me (after 50+ years I certainly hope so).
 
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.  It was a lot easier when it was connected to a cord (for the kids out there reading this, yes, there used to be a cord attached to the phone – and we only had one phone in the house!  I won’t even go into “party lines” but older folks know what I’m talking about).
 
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on  something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.  I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me. Now, I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?”  I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.”
 
 Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Thanks Gene

0

When I was a kid….

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill…Barefoot… BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,there was no way in Hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that I’m at the ripe old age of 50, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy!   I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a darn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve go tit!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter- with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!   Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3’s or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to
hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*%it all up!  There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car..We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that’s how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it!

There weren’t any freakin’ cell phones either. If you left the house,you just didn’t make a darn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your “friends”. OH MY GOSH !!!  Think of the horror… not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!   And then there’s TEXTING. Yeah, right .Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are. And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent…you just didn’t know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen… Forever!  And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!  You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no,what’s the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I’m saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn’t have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play… all day long. Oh, no,no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside… you were doing chores!

And car seats – oh,please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the “safety arm” across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling “shot gun” in the first place!

See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled rotten!   You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back then.

Thanks Fishy Mary

 

0

How old is Grandpa?

Stay with this — the answer is at the end.  It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.  The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general..

The Grandfather replied, “Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

‘      Grandpa television

‘       penicillin

‘       polio shots

‘       frozen foods

‘       Xerox

‘       contact lenses

‘       Frisbees and

‘       the pill

There were no:

‘       credit cards

‘       laser beams or

‘       ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

‘       pantyhose

‘       air conditioners

‘       dishwashers

‘       clothes dryers

‘       and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

‘      man hadn’t yet walked on the moon
Your Grandmother and I got married first, .. …. . and then lived together..

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, “Sir”.
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, “Sir.”

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends –  not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios.

And I don’t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with ‘Made in  Japan  ‘ on it, it was junk.

The term ‘making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam..

Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . .. . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

‘       “grass” was mowed,

‘       “coke” was a cold drink,

‘      “pot” was something your mother cooked in,

‘       “rock music” was your grandmother’s lullaby.

‘       “Aids” were helpers in the Principal’s office,

‘      ” chip” meant a piece of wood,

‘       “hardware” was found in a hardware store and

‘     “software” wasn’t even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us “old and confused” and say there is a generation gap.  And how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind…you are in for a shock!

Are you ready ?????

This person would be only 59 years old.

Thanks Gene

0