You know it’s time to stop driving when…

Police in Philadelphia want to speak with an elderly woman who took her Buick Century station wagon the wrong way down Interstate 95 Thursday at 50mph, causing four separate accidents. Here’s amazing video of it actually happening.

A driver on the proper southbound side of I-95 managed to film the woman, saying at one point she tried to waive him off and scuffed the concrete barricades with her faux wood paneling twice without stopping. No one was injured in the other accidents.

via

0

Just in case you weren’t feeling too old today – – –

The  people who are starting college this fall were born in  1991. 
They are too young to  remember the space shuttle blowing up. 
Their lifetime has always included  AIDS. 
The CD was  introduced two years before they were born.   
They have always had an answering  machine. 
They have always had  cable. 
Popcorn has always been  microwaved. 
They never took a swim  and thought about Jaws. 
They don’t  know who Mork was or where he was from.   
They never heard, “Where’s the Beef?”,  “I’d walk a mile for a Camel ,” or “de plane, Boss, de  plane.”
They don’t  have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Thanks Faye

0

That’ll be $5.37

“$5.37.” That’s what the kid behind  the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and  pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that  used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed  the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck  to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said  the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He  said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen  discount.”
 
I turned to see who he  was talking to and then heard the sound of change  hitting the counter in front of me. 
 
“Only $4.68,” he said cheerfully. 

I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not  even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my  burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was  wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood  began to boil. Old? Me? I’ll show him, I thought. I  opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the  counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. 
 
Before I could say a word, he held up  something and jingled it in front of me, like I could  be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? 
 
“Dude! Can’t get too far without your  car keys, eh?”
I stared with utter disdain at the  keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. “Leaving keys behind  hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to  anyone!”
I turned and headed back to the truck. I  slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn.

What now? I checked my keys and  tried another. Still nothing. That’s when I noticed the  purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no  purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. 

Then, a few other objects came into  focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy  Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially  eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say  ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. 
 
Moments later I was speeding out of the  parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish  stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the  bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and  churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was  nowhere to be found.

I swung the  truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into  the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood,  draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was,  “What is the world coming to?”
All I could say was,  “Did I leave my food and drink in here?” At this point I was  ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and  then go straight home and apply for Social Security  benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back  out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and  tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was  holding up a drink and a bag. His mother   explained, “I think you left this in my truck  by mistake.”
 
I took the food and  drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. 
 
He offered these kind words, “It’s OK.   My grandfather does stuff like this all the  time.”
 
All of this is to explain  how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing  some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told  the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this  fast.
 
As I walked in the front  door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed  her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I  promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up  my legs with a blankey.
 
The good  news was I had successfully found my way home. 

Thanks Faye

0

Girlfriend get together

Ocean viewA group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because the waiters there were good looking and had buff bodies.

10 years later at 50-years-of-age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

 10 years later at 60-years-of-age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of  the ocean.

10 years later at 70-years-of-age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80-years-of-age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they had never been there before.

Thanks Gene

0

Exercise and aging

Senior1Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
 
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
 
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing..
  
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.  Haven’t lost a pound.  Apparently you have to go there.
 
Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
 
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’
 
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
  
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,…… just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
  
“Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
“I look just fine.”

Thanks Gene

0

Things you just don’t hear any more…

  • Be sure to refill the ice trays, we’re going to have company.
  • Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Willie in the mail today .
  • Quit slamming the screen door when you go out !
  • Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up.
  • Don’t forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
  • Wash your feet before you go to bed, you’ve been playing outside all day barefooted.
  • Why can’t you remember to roll up your britches legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.
  • You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.
  • Don’t you go outside with your school clothes on!
  • Go comb your hair, it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
  • Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.
  • Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won’t have to pay a deposit on another one.
  • Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won’t get on it.
  • Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don’t quit!
  • Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.
  • You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.
  • There’s a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.
  • Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.
  • You can walk to the store; it won’t hurt you to get some exercise.
  • Don’t sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.
  • If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!
  • Don’t lose that button; I’ll sew it back on after a while.
  • Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.
  • Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!
  • Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don’t have to do that tonight in the dark.
  • Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.
  • Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.
  • Don’t turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.
  • No! I don’t have 10 cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?
  • Eat those turnips, they’ll make you big and strong like your daddy.
  • That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don’t care how cold it is out there, dogs don’t stay in the house.
  • Sit still! I’m trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all messed up.
  • Hush your mouth! I don’t want to hear words like that! I’ll wash your mouth out with soap!
  • It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.
  • If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you’ll get another one when you get home.
  • Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!
  • Soak your foot in this pan of kerosene so that bad cut won’t get infected.
  • When you take your driving test, don’t forget to signal each turn
    • Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; 
    •  left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn;
    • and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.
  • It’s: ‘Yes Ma’am!’ and ‘No Ma’am!’ to me, young man, and don’t you forget it!
  • Y’all come back now, ya hear.

Thanks Gene

0