Old folks jokes

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:  ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’

‘Yep!’

‘Do I know her?’

‘Nope!’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’

‘Not really.’

‘Is she a good cook?’

‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’

‘Does she have lots of money?’

‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’

Well, then, is she good in bed?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’

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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. ….Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.  

 ‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure..’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. ‘

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.  ‘Where’s my toast ?’

Thanks Gene

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Signs you’re getting old

1.  Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 

3. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6.  There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8.  You can eat supper at 4 pm. 

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10.  You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12.  You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 

13.  You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15  . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 

16.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17.  Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 

Gods waiting room

Alphabet soup

Bmw bumper sticker

Retired

Thanks Gene

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This is why we love old people…

They are so ingenious….

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’

The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would
walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’

The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’

‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

 The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady!  I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

Thanks  Gene

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Sunday paper

Lady on phone“WHERE is my SUNDAY  paper?!” The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

“Madam”, said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY.”

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
“Well, shit, so that’s why no one was at church today.” 

Thanks Gene

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From a technologically a challenged senior citizen

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1,800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook  and Twitter.
 
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.  I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
 
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
 
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.  I am not ready to live like this.  I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
 
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.  I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [Blue tooth but it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.  I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
 
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time.  Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-cal-cu-lating.”  You would think that she could be nicer.  It was like she could barely tolerate me.  She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
 
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me (after 50+ years I certainly hope so).
 
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.  It was a lot easier when it was connected to a cord (for the kids out there reading this, yes, there used to be a cord attached to the phone – and we only had one phone in the house!  I won’t even go into “party lines” but older folks know what I’m talking about).
 
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on  something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.  I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me. Now, I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?”  I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.”
 
 Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

Thanks Gene

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