Friday Firesmith – You are an alien experiment

Have you ever wondered what aliens would do to us if they really wanted to test the limits of human endurance? Traffic and grocery shopping, that’s my bet. And the parking lots of grocery stores? Pure gold for the alien scientist who is looking to measure what metrics drive humans to homicide. That has to be it. Nothing else explains better the behavior of human beings in traffic and while shopping than alien influence. Or stupidity. Aliens are more fun to write about.

It’s the five o’clock rush. There’s a section of US84 heading west to Quitman between I-75 and Rocky Ford Road that’s weird and dangerous. People like me are trying to head west out of Valdosta. Then there are those that are going out via Rocky Ford. Then there are people making right turns off 84 in between. The Solution? It’s just over a mile of driving. Stay in your lane.

Right off the bat yesterday, a pickup truck pulling a box trailer, a very large box trailer, was heading west, after five, towards Quitman. Yep, I have to share the road with this. He’s put on his left blinker, then his right blinker, and then he pulled into the turn lane, and then back out again. I decide to drop back. The One Word of Truth here is this: An Idiot in front of you is less dangerous than an idiot behind you. The Aliens nod in agreement. This is a test. They want to see who is paying attention. So they throw in the unexpected. The truck pulls into the middle lane, then suddenly turns right, cutting off both westbound lanes, and nearly clipping someone making right in the right turn lane. Nicely done, Aliens, but I was far enough back to brake out of it.

The grocery store is likewise crowded. I am out of food so I must go in. I park a half mile away because there are people, able-bodied people, who would pull into the front door if they could. There’s a couple arguing, loudly, as they shop, and they brought their two kids. They have a cart, and each child has been given one. The two kids are drag racing one another in a crowded store. The parents’ modus operandi is to park the cart in the aisle and then wander off while arguing over who gets “the good car” tomorrow. She has the kids. But he has to go to Albany. I want to suggest letting the kids push him to Albany in the carts and the Aliens smile at my thoughts.

The Aliens never directly affect us. They plant small thoughts in our heads and then measure our reactions. The thought arrives and before they can start the timer, I am off like a saucer. Let’s go over to the pharmacy and pick up few items, good, and then let’s stalk the Albany Gang. Perfect. They’re in dairy and their cart is around the corner in the snack aisle.
Insert one Box Condoms, Large Size, as in physical size, not count, insert one paternity test, and insert one package of one tube of magical heating personal lubrication, into their cart, hidden under the package of cube steak.

Exit stage left.

The Aliens grin.

Take Care,

firesmithMike writes regularly at his site:  The Hickory Head Hermit.Opinions expressed in this article are not necessarily those of the management of this site.


23 thoughts on “Friday Firesmith – You are an alien experiment”

  1. Wrong, wrong wrong. The first aliens observed us from afar-remember all the UFO sightings? They knew people are bat shit crazy, so they decided to move on and find a more intelligent life form to interact with. Plus, they told all of their alien friends to avoid at all costs.

  2. I keep a couple of expensive items in my cart to reward obnoxious shoppers. The thing that is really bothering me and the aliens lately is people standing beside their carts pulling them down the aisle because it’s too hard to push it with a cell phone in their hand. I believe cell phones were put on Earth by the aliens to ruin our civilisation and make us easier to conquer.

    • …. and they really won big time with that one! People willingly buy into the cell phone trap, keeping their gaze fixated on the phone no matter what else is going on. An entire platoon of spacecraft could land in the grocery store parking lot, but if a human’s cell phone rings, they compulsively switch their attention to that … and the aliens take over 🙂

  3. I like the alien spin on the situation, however I have long believed that it was the government purposefully dumbing down our kids by ruining our educational system. Then there’s also the economy of today where mom can’t stay home to give the kids meaningful after school family time and leave them to be raised by stupid sitcoms on TV in prime time.

  4. They really messed us up by inserting meth into the equation. We watched a woman from our windows at work whom I’m going to call Princess Lay-a. As in Lay-a round the empty lot across the street with what I can only presume are all of her worldly possessions. They were spread all around her. Evidently she had decided that was a fine camping spot, and had set up camp there. She had her sleeping bag rolled out, and was enjoying the afternoon sun.
    Bless her heart, I hope she gets some help before one of those empty lots becomes her final camping trip. Trip being the operative word. Meth, it’s a Hell of a drug.

  5. Great concept! I believe Rod Serling contemplated this when he produced the episode ‘The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street’ broadcast on March 4, 1960. We as a society have much to learn and a long way to go…

  6. There are millions of people in this country who are homeless and destitute through no fault of their own. Try getting a job or help without an address or phone number.
    Others with physical and/or mental handicaps who have no clue how to change their lot.
    It’s easier to blame Meth, Crack, Booze, or the vice de jure, than try to understand their plight.

    A 65ish woman in the supermarket parking lot said, “I love your truck, it’s beautiful”.
    I said, “It doesn’t make my ass look fat does it”.
    She said, “I’d be afraid to park that in this lot the way these old ladies drive”.
    I said, “When I’m here I try to drive like an old lady to fit in”.
    She said, “Well I’m an old lady and I know that’s not true, I’ve seen you and them drive”.

    • I have dealt with homeless people, one on one. I agree, there are those who are homeless through no fault of their own. I’ve dealt with women who are homeless and pregnant, who have three kids, who are trying to keep their family together without losing their children due to their situation. I have helped people who have come from South Texas running from weather on more than one occasion. It’s also difficult to establish prenatal care with no address.
      I wasn’t judging, I know addiction is horrible. But yeah, I know a meth head when I see one. I truly hope she gets help, before one of the empty lots in town becomes the last place she lies down.

      • I wasn’t reprimanding you, that1chick, sorry if it seemed that way, I think you have your shit together.
        Just reminding people to not rush to judgment without considering the whole story.

        • It’s all good. I work in a part of town where we have several homeless people. We also have a large VA hospital in the town I work in, and a huge Army base in the city 20 miles down the road. I suspect many of our homeless are vets. That makes it even sadder to me. Although I know many of our veterans won’t seek help, I know many could really use a helping hand and a little empathy. I’ve never served, but I’ve lived with veterans all my life, the shit they go through when they come home lasts a lifetime and it’s not pretty. Most of the public has no idea the real price. Not all wounds are able to be seen. I know many do turn to drugs, Sadly.

          The post this week that Mike was writing though was about aliens, I was only trying to inject a little more humor in saying adding drugs to the equation must make it even more funny to observe. Not trying to offend. I too apologize if I did.

  7. All of this actually reminds me of a paper a friend of mind had to do for her Sociology class. Her professor instructed the class to look into a little known tribe called the Nacirema. She was having a hard time with it, and knew I was interested in things like that, so asked if I’d be willing to help. We researched it together, it was interesting and enlightening. There are videos about the entire thing on Youtube. Although that isn’t where we started, it’s probably the most concise information out there.

    • Oh my goodness, Chick! Thanks so much for that! I love it 😀 You’re right – it’s both interesting and enlightening. I didn’t find the videos, but the original article is impressive. One of the most amazing things, is that he wrote it in 1956!
      I appreciate you mentioning it and hope others do their research too 🙂

      • Thanks, Dianne. I found it pretty impressive. Especially since as you say, it was written in the mid 50’s.


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