One of the stranger things I have ever seen in my life was what I witnessed a weekend ago, at least I think it was the weekend, it might have been a Thursday, today is Thursday, isn’t it? Nevermind. Time and dates become an abstract when a body works twelve hours shifts six days a week at night. I’ve learned to do laundry when I wake up and put the still warm clothes on out of the dryer. Yes, I have worn the same shirt, jeans, socks, and hoodie, for about two weeks now. I think it’s been two weeks. It very well may have been fifteen years because it certainly feels like it sometimes.
I was going somewhere with a train of thought. I’m sure of it.
Three of us got into a conversation one night about something that was coming up in the week and all three of us missed what day of the week it was. I was close. I thought it was Monday but it was Tuesday. The other two men thought it was Sunday. Listening to us have a conversation is like that “Who’s on first?” thing except we make a hell of a lot less sense.
There it is, in the first paragraph, I saw something strange. Yes, I have it now. I was going down the road with my Bang in hand, and by the way, Bang energy drinks will rock you. No, I still have the thought… the traffic light fell. Yes, dropped to the ground as I approached. The lights stayed on but they were on the pavement.
The idea that I might be hallucinating did occur to me but there they were. It was dark, and I was a good half mile away, and when I arrived there was a young man exiting a Toyota whose nose was buried in a utility pole. I went over to see if he was okay and he said, “Damn! Did you see that? The traffic lights fell down? I had to swerve to miss it!”
And that is, kinda, what I did see, but I was a good piece away.
The cops get there and they aren’t buying the story at all.
Cop One: They fell? The lights fell?
Cop Two: Really? They fell down?
Guy: Yeah, they fell right down.
Me: Did they have a Capissen 38 Mark II engine?
Okay, sleep deprivation will make you say stuff out loud your mind knows better than to release into the wild. Now both cops are looking at me like, “Where in the name of Timothy Leary did this one come from?”
But another cop shows up and he asks, very pointedly, “Tell me again what happened?”
And the Guy looks at me as if he’s hoping for more random movie quotes and says, “Uh, I dodged the falling red light.”
Cop Three: See that pole over there, the one with the camera on it? (Guy winces) Look at this video on my phone. You ram the pole, the lights fall down. Step over here, please, sir.
But seriously: Have you ever in your whole life seen anyone tell a lie that truly unique that quickly ever?
I rob a bank… he’s coming with me.