Today I saw something. I’m not sure what it was that I saw, but I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t something that can be explained by normal human observation here on earth.
Okay, let me set the scene here…
The off ramp of I-75 Southbound, intersects with US 84 heading west and there is a traffic light there, and rightfully so. It’s the last traffic light as you leave Valdosta Georgia heading west, and once I get past this choke point, things begin to open up traffic-wise.
A little over a mile away is Rocky Ford Road, which is on the left side of the highway, and people leaving Valdosta will stay in the left lane if they’re going to turn left on RFR and you cannot blame them. There is a turn lane there, and there’s a fifth lane in the middle for two-way left turns, and to the right are a lot of side roads. So, even if you get behind a RFR person you are still better off than trying to dodge the people making right turns because… →
Seriously. How hard is it? And don’t hit your brakes, begin your turn, and then signal. We’ve figured two things out by that time. (1) Oh, you’re turning. (2) You are an inconsiderate prick.
I’ve learned never to get in the right-hand lane because no one knows how to operate a turn signal. Moreover, what is infinitely worse, is there are people whose faith in humanity, or their inability to learn, leads them into this lane, and they are constantly trying to get back over into the left lane, where I am not using my blinker because I know where to be and when to be there.
By the way, and pay attention to my thoughts on this subject because I might actually be wrong here, I aver that as long as you are in a residential area where there are blinkerless morons to your right the left lane is no longer considered the “fast lane” and a driver is not obligated to move over for faster traffic. Yes? No? Maybe?
So, this all gets us to Rocky Ford Road, and here the RFR people slow down, get over into the turn lane for their road, and then turn on their blinkers. This is also, coincidently, where the area becomes less residential and there is a grass median. It’s “median” not “medium” by the way. And the speed limit opens up to 55 from 45. And this is where it gets surreal.
As I’ve mentioned, I’m in the left lane which by now can be considered the fast lane and I ought not to be there. I get over in my lane, the slow lane, but there’s a big semi-truck ahead of me, and a white Honda in front of the big truck, and oddly, very oddly, I pass both of them while traveling at the dizzying speed of fifty-five miles an hour, in the slow lane.
I’m in the slow lane being slow. The white Honda is in the fast lane being slower. Okay, so about two miles up the speed limit kicks off to sixty-five. I’m thinking either one or two things will happen. The first is the guy in the white Honda will continue at his pace and eventually, a gap will open and the truck will go through it. Either that or the guy in the semi will get tired of the Honda and run over it. But the Honda speeds up and matches my pace.
Damn. I look back and sure enough, the Honda Guy has left just enough room between the rear of my truck and the front of his car for someone to squeeze through, if they’re brave, and there’s someone about to try it. Meanwhile, the semi is about a three point seven two centimeters off Honda’s rear end.
There’s only one way to resolve this issue and only one person seems to be willing to do so. I turn the cruise control off and hit the gas. Sixty, sixty-five, seventy, seventy-five miles an hour and I open up a gap that the line of cars stuck behind Honda guy stream through. I know better than to stick around that much traffic so I hit cruise and it’s nearly a mile before anyone catches up to me.
Five minutes later I drop down to sixty-five and then back down to fifty-five, my normal speed on the road. A couple of minutes later the truck passes me and blinks his lights at me. A minute or two after that, Honda passes me and he’s doing sixty-five if he’s alive. So what makes more sense here? He could be just a self- absorbed jerk who doesn’t notice the world around him and just doesn’t care that he’s hindering people. Or he could be a self- absorbed jerk who enjoys pissing people off because he’s a self- absorbed jerk. Or he could be an alien. He could be an alien who feeds off negative emotions from the brains of human beings and I was witness to an alien buffet.