Sunday Confession – Missing My Friend

Sunday confession

Everyone around me is so damn Happy. In some ways I am also, but my best friend died this year, and all I want for Xmas is one more damn day with her. I’m not normally one of the Broken. I have a wonderful husband and awesome children, but I go off to hide every night to cry where they cannot see me. I don’t know how to fix this, and I do not know how the HELL I am supposed to like my life without her in it. There is this void in my heart that cannot be filled. I am not suicidal,  but if I didn’t wake up tomorrow? Maybe I would get to just see her again. Not gonna step out in front of a bus, but, while I don’t necessarily want to DIE, I don’t want to LIVE either. I feel like I am cheating on my Family with this pain. It’s a Catch-22. If I pretend that I am fine, I’m a liar. I go to work every day, I cook dinner every night, and I am happy taking care of them…then I wind down for the night and miss her so much.

Lost

 

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8 comments to Sunday Confession – Missing My Friend

  • DJ

    I’ve been there. Grief is a real bitch. I didn’t exactly want to die, but if a meteorite happened to fall on me, or I got run over by a gravel truck, or if I just woke up dead one morning, I’d be fine with that. But eventually I realized how much I was loved and needed by other very special people in my life. Thoughts like I had are an early warning sign. You need a little bit of help with this by someone who knows what they’re doing. Check around…ask some close friends, clergy, your family doctor (or even your dentist or GYN), a local hospital or clinic…all places to start.

    These feelings are pretty common…you just don’t hear about them because, like you, most people keep them stuffed deep inside. We all have, or will, loose a best friend, parents, spouse, maybe even a child. As you get older, you find it happening more & more. In the past 15 years, I’ve attended a lot more funerals than weddings. It sounds trite, but…that’s life, right? “…Life is what happens while we’re making other plans.” Please google and read about the stages of grief. You’re in one of them, but there are ways out. It’s ok to be sad, and ok to grieve, but don’t let it disable you forever. Remember your family…please don’t put them into the very situation you’re in. They not only love you, but they need you… and you have the most special job title in the world…Mom.

  • crispy

    You’re grieving. There are some deaths I’ll never get over. I know how you feel. But you also have to know that you’re grieving and you’re depressed. You need to see a therapist and get some anti-depressants. They’ll help. The grief you’re feeling is overwhelming, but the loss of someone close to you isn’t reason enough for your life to stop. Believe me, I’ve lost people close to me, and it’s not easy.

    My mother died 14 years ago, and I wasn’t ready. I still needed her. It didn’t seem fair that all my friends still have their mothers to go home to, to give them advice, to be there, and yet my own mother isn’t. I lost close friends. They were too young to die. They didn’t do anything wrong. They were just unlucky. It wasn’t right that they died. Then there are the deaths that really bother me: good people. It doesn’t seem right to me that a good person can die young and yet I live on. I doesn’t seem right that people who are loved and wanted and needed die, yet I live. I’ve known people who were a shining light to everyone around them. I know a person now who is a saint on Earth. Yet I know she won’t live much longer. But how can the world go on? It seems wrong, doesn’t it, that the world doesn’t end when someone so special dies. Yet, it does go on.

    You think the world can’t go on, that you and I can’t go on, but the world does and so do we, somehow. It’s not right. It’s not fair. But the world goes on. Get some help.

    Here’s what I always say: it’s like we’re here shopping in a big department store or mall or something, and they’ve simply taken the elevator to another floor (I always have to add jokingly that I hope they went UP). However, I’m not finished shopping on this floor yet. Someday, I’ll finish. Then I’ll take the elevator. Some who went before, I’ll see them again. Some who will come later, we’ll be separated for awhile. But eventually we’ll all be together. No sense in rushing things. We’ll all be together again just as soon as we’re all done with our shopping.

    • MCW

      Well said, Crispy. And DJ, as well. I lost my mom in 2011 and it didn’t seem fair…and still doesn’t. I lost a very, very special friend when I was 21 or so and that didn’t seem fair either. In my mom’s case, it seemed so unfair because she did everything that the doctors told her to and they were constantly saying that she should have no trouble beating the cancer, but it just wasn’t to be. When her condition worsened it worsened rapidly and when she died, we were all left looking at each other like, “what just happened?”.

      Maybe you haven’t reached the anger stage yet or maybe that’s where you’re at now, but in any case, you’ve still got some emotional roller-coastering yet to come. There will be more times ahead when you feel like a confused ball of chaos but it will lessen with time. There’s no harder cliche’ to accept than ‘time heals all wounds of the heart’. You have my sincerest sympathies but don’t give up, especially for the sake of those who are still in this world and need you.

  • Lynne

    You’re in situational depression. You should see a doctor and maybe take antidepressants for a bit until you get past some of this. Or talk to a grief counselor. It does get better with time. Losing a friend is different than losing family because a lot of people are like “well, at least you still have your family”. They don’t realize how much losing a close friend hurts. Try to get some kind of professional help just to get through this. Please post back later and let us know how you’re doing. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

  • ChrisInAtlanta

    I do not mean to trivialize this in any way. But you just took/wrote a direct quote from a book titled “clinical depression.” The pharmaceutical companies make billions every year selling drugs to help folks IN JUST YOUR SITUATION. And help they do. A counselor or good friend or such is often helpful as well, but not required. But you can be fixed. Again, you are at risk and in serious pain. But you can be fixed – pretty easily. And at some time in the future you’ll realize that you no longer need “those silly drugs.”

  • bitscared

    As the above responses confirm, you are not alone. Talk to some one. Ask Jonco for my email if you think talking to someone not involved will help. I am happy to listen.
    What would you best friend have told you? Would she have given you a good shake and told you to get on with it? Would she have taken you shopping and ended the trip with a huge piece of cake? Would she have sat with you while you grieved? You can do all of those things knowing she is always with you. Keep a photo in your pocket, talk to her, let your husband know you are struggling. Give yourself permission to grieve, to be the broken one for a while. Let yourself heal knowing that it is not a betrayal of your memories. Mostly, remember you are not alone. xo

  • Anne S.

    I was lost with out my Mom when she died at 62 yrs. old. She was not only my Mom, but best friend and pal. We went places and done things together. My husband and I bought a small Lowery Organ, and even though I only knew how to play a few notes, the first night I was on it for 6 hours. It seemed to take up the void from my Mom being gone. Maybe you could take up a hobby of some kind which would keep your mind busy. I still miss my Mom, but I also got so much enjoyment from the organ, and later on took lessons and bought a bigger organ.

 
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