Sunday Confession – The End

Sunday confession

I think, like most things in life, you get it or you don’t. I am that way with life. At this point, past 50, I feel lost more than ever and really just want to die. Everything I do and everywhere I go all I see is ways I could kill myself. Keeping up my facade has become a chore.
…on to the holidays.

Forever lost

 

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16 thoughts on “Sunday Confession – The End”

  1. My friend, we all feel that way sometimes. Some of us feel that way more often than others. Those people – as you appear to be – are “broken.” This is a cruel, hard word to use. I’m sorry. The good thing about this word – and I know that you don’t believe it – is that you can be fixed.

    I’m not sure how. I’m an engineer, and I fix “things.” And “situations.” And “problems.” But I don’t fix people. And I can’t “fix” you. I’m so very sorry.

    But there ARE people that can “fix” you. I. . . I. . . have no good judgement in this. Hammer. Nail. Bang bang bang, and it’s in. I regret using the above analogy, for obvious reasons. Again, I’m an engineer.

    There are drugs that can make you feel better. I know this from personal experience. Those drugs do not include alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, and the like. I know this from personal experience (alcohol, in my case). I know, for a fact, that the first drugs you try (xanax, prozac, welbutrin, etc.) will likely not work. “Doc, I’ve been on this for three weeks, and I still feel like crap. Let’s try something else.” No something else? You, my friend, need a new doctor.

    Some folks need counseling. A kind, sympathetic ear. Someone who is interested in what you’re saying, and asks questions to draw you out. Aunt Sue down the street (or on the phone). Bob in Accounting. Dr. Brough at $150 an hour. There are kind, understanding people out there. That understand – TRULY understand – what you are feeling. And who want to help you.

    Life is wondrous and fascinating. And you should be having fun most of the time.

    It is time to get fixed, my friend. Money is not needed for this. It makes it easier, but is not needed.

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  2. It sounds like you’re feeling just the way I did prior to me landing a job recently. After I lost my Mom, who for all intents, was my best friend, I was jobless, broke, depending on my father and 49 years old. I saw no hope on any horizon and just when I thought that maybe I was going to have to just take some minimum-wage job to survive, I got a good job offer. It has been a rough couple of weeks for several reasons; I didn’t own a decent pair of shoes that I could walk in all day without serious pain, I hadn’t worked in over a year – which made going back all that much harder, mainly because every job that I had prior to that involved lots of physical activity and I have gotten out of shape in a bad way. BUT, all was not lost and I’m so very thankful to be back working, even though because of the events of the last few years of my life, I’m essentially starting over again at age 49. For some people this would be unthinkable, but for me, I just look at those less fortunate than me and think” that could be me”.

    I guess my whole point is, it’s never too late to turn this thing we call ‘life’ around and make it better. We are the masters of our own destinies.

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  3. I would bet if you made that confession to the people who are most important to you, EVERY ONE of them would be more than willing to help in any way. They will do whatever it takes NOT to lose you.

    There are many resources available with a quick Google search. All of them are set up to help people in your situation.

    I think my mother has enjoyed life more AFTER 50 than she had in the years prior.

    Life is worth living, but you have to choose to do so. It may be the more difficult decision, but you’ll find it to be the right one.

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  4. I think you should keep your mind busy. Take a class to meet new people. Not sure about your area but they should have some free classes at your local adult school. Go for walks! They help me keep my mind off the crappy stuff. Good luck!

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  5. Please. PLEASE. Reach out to someone, NOW. As Bill the painter recommended, do a google search. Please. There are people ready and willing to help you, direct you, counsel you and show you a life worth living.

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  6. When Hunter S Thompson opted out he was 67 and his body was a wreck. He had not lived a clean life but he got a lot out of it, at least in the way that he was looking for.

    So here you are. Is it time? You are the only person who can answer that question. No one, anywhere, hasn’t asked it, and everyone will ask it again. It’s human to do so. Most of us find something to live for. Some of us find something to die for. I rescue dogs. I write. And at age 51 I am giving serious consideration to quitting my job of 20 years and starting over again.

    I have no answers for you. You have to do this, or not.

    But damn, tomorrow something incredible might happen, aliens land, inventions of an amazing sort, and who know what else will happen.

    If that isn’t enough I am not sure what to tell you.

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  7. I’ve had days and weeks and months and YEARS where I’ve felt like that. I suffer from chronic depression. What can I say? But here’s what I do know: most of the things in this life that are making us unhappy, really, just aren’t as important as we think they are. We get in a rut and we refuse to get out of it. We think we can’t get out of the rut … but we can.

    There’s something beautiful and worthwhile in ever day. But I often say that bad times and trouble yell and scream, while good things only whisper. It’s easy to notice trouble. It’s harder to see the good things sometimes. But they’re there.

    The other thing that makes us so unhappy, maybe the unhappiest, are expectations. We expect something to go a certain way, and it doesn’t. We want something, and don’t get it. We think we deserve to be treated a certain way, and we aren’t. We think people should do this and not do that, and they invariably don’t do what they should and keep right on doing what they shouldn’t. We think people should make an effort for us, and they don’t. We think life should be different, and it isn’t. My best advice is drop “coulda woulda shoulda” (could have, would have, should have) from your vocabulary. Focus on what IS, not on what OUGHT TO BE. Think about what you HAVE, not what you WANT.

    I like what Mike said: “But damn, tomorrow something incredible might happen,”

    I’ll go one further “Tomorrow, do something different.” Take a day off work and go bungee jumping. Who knows?

    Here’s how I look at it. If I die, that’s it. Game over. Nothing more to do in this life. I believe there’s something else after this life, but when I die, this life is over. Therefore, if I’m just going to kill myself anyway, why not have some fun before I go, and do all the things I normally wouldn’t do. I don’t mean go shoot all the people who ever did you wrong. A monkey could do that. I mean call it even. Forgive everybody who ever did you wrong. Don’t go out to hurt people. That’s an imbalance in your karma, if you believe in that kind of thing. Have fun. Go EXPERIENCE things.

    We get so hung up on the mechanical process of waking up, doing what we’re expected to do, and going to bed: eating, sleeping, using the toilet … that we forget how to live and experience, how to just sit and watch the world around us.

    Maybe look around more. I like to stop and smell the flowers.

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  8. I’m so sorry you’re feeling lost and hopeless. There are probably a huge number of people who hit 50 and feel much the same. It sounds to me like you change things in your life. You’ve taken a big step in admitting your feelings “out loud” on this site and that’s a step forward. Take the advice of the people who posted above and 1) get some real help for yourself, 2) look around you at other people you have something in common with, and 3) get active in changing something about your life. Everything is fixable and changeable. Do something you wouldn’t ordinarily do, like walking to work or going to church or talking to a total stranger on the street. Buy a bike. Just do one thing differently and see how that feels. All the best, friend, because we want you to stay with us. Let us know how things are going.

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  9. Oh, boy. You quickly need to get help for yourself. Please. Take that step. Life is so special. I guess when you’ve actually been knocking on deaths door, every day is just so sweet. I’m past 50, have fought and won against cancer, and enjoy every beautiful day. Please help yourself. There is so much to live for with an amazing amount of people who really care. The “holiday season” brings a lot of stress and depression for some folks because of different reasons. If you need to talk, Jonco can give you my e-mail.

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    • You got me started Crispy. You are such a smart, aware and obviously a caring person. What you said is so true. We all have had some tough times but look for the best in tomorrow. Just sometimes we need an outstretched hand to help us out to get there.

      Thank You for your kind words Crispy. That made my tomorrow. 🙂

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  10. Hi, dear. If you want someone to talk to, just let me know. I am lost too, sometimes, but something into myself still guides me (as always, since I can remember) and I would like to share this experience with you. Live in Brazil but with internet there are no more hindrances that prevent us to be close.

    Sônia

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