Tom Swifties

  • “I dropped my toothpaste,” Tom said, crestfallen.
  • “Only one of my speakers works!” Tom said, monotonously.
  • “I have a split personality,” Tom said, being frank.
  • “My wrists are bleeding stumps,” Tom said offhandedly.
  • “The doctor removed my left ventricle and atrium,” Tom said halfheartedly.
  • “That is one ugly hippopotamus,” Tom said hypocritically.
  • “This is what happens when you mix an acid and a base,” Tom said neutrally.
  • “..—-..-….” said Tom, remorsefully.
  • “A word that contains all five vowels? And I suppose you want those vowels to appear in alphabetical order?” asked Tom facetiously.
  • “I am standing up”, Tom lied.
  • “I think I’m a homosexual”, Tom said, half in earnest.
  • “Someone stole all the twos from this deck of cards,” Tom deduced.
  • “I knocked down the rest of the pins on my second try,” Tom said sparingly.
  • “I’m going to sleep over there,” Tom lied.
  • “I disagree. Fences need to be secured to something every fifteen feet or so, check out my website for an example,” Tom posted.
  • “I really want to hear ‘It’s Not Unusual’ right now,” Tom jonesed.
  • “That show would be a lot better without Ross’s sister,” said Tom, demonically.\
  • “I feel like having sex for money,” Tom said horribly.
  • “I forgot to mark down which groceries to buy,” Tom said listlessly.
  • “I used to be Elvis, you know,” said Tom, expressly.
  • “Bingo!” Tom cried benignly.
  • “I think all I need is some condiments to make the perfect hotdog” Tom said with some relish
  • “For the first time in your life, I feel really clean”, Tom said zestfully
  • “I have a candy bar” Tom snickered.
  • “This isn’t my prime rib,” Tom said mistakenly.
  • “Sea World wasn’t the same without them,” Tom sighed purposelessly.
  • “I’m missing of my flowers!” claimed Jane lackadaisically
  • “Bring me a large serving of frozen dairy desert!” I screamed.
  • “3.142,” Tom said piously.
  • “Here’s looking at you,” I bawled.
  • “Merry-go-rounds make me sick!” said Tom, in a roundabout manner
  • The train derailed said Tom distractedly.
  • “But I’m sure I left it on the kitchen work surface” countered Tom.
  • “I just punched Mel Gibson in the face!” Tom said starstruck.
  •  “Guilty as charged!” Tom said with conviction.
  • “Tuna is 50 cents a pound” said Tom selfishly.
  • “I am passing a kidney stone.” Tom said painfully.
  • “I want a hot dog,” said Tom, frankly.
  • “It’s hard to think up puns,” Tom said thoughtfully.
  • “This food has no flavor!” Tom said, with distaste
  • “Who left the toilet seat down?” Tom asked peevishly.
  • “I might as well be dead,” Tom croaked.
  • “Only one of my speakers works!” Tom said, monotonously.
  • “They had to amputate them both at the ankles,” Tom said defeatedly.

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21 thoughts on “Tom Swifties”

  1. I tried to explain to one of my kids what a Tom Swifty is. I went through maybe ten examples before I got a laugh, because there were so many terms they weren’t familiar with! Crestfallen, monotone, listless, benign, bellow… of course your list here is better than the one I was using at the time.

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  2. I doubt that I have the proof available any longer, but I came up with the “crestfallen” one to win a Tom Swifties contest back in 1982. It seems to be an obvious-enough one that others could easily have come up with it independently, though. It’s fun to see it coming from somewhere else.

    Makes me feel like the time I heard someone sing a song about Y2K at a local talent show – he’d gotten it off the internet, and it was credited to “anonymous.” I pointed him to my original, which had verses that his copy didn’t have.

    I think the “starstruck” one should have had Mel Gibson punching Tom, though, since it has the literal meaning of “struck by the stars.”

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  3. Made one up: “I love Sarah Jessica Parker’s face,” said Tom hoarsely.
    Oh wait!: “I love Lindsay Lohan,” said Tom whoresly.

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  4. “I will catch Ana I will! She will fall for my fish story, hook line and sinker,” promised Tom with baited breath.

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  5. “You’re making a motorcycle trip to visit me in northern Canada in February? What a snow job, Jonco!” exclaimed Bella frostily.

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  6. “One more time–the answer is negative. Focus on this: I don’t need an assistant,” Sander snapped.

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  7. “Dammit DJ outdid me this time but I’ll give him 5 stars for nice work,” I said irately.

    I miss the Tom Swifties I made up a few months ago.. lost forever?

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