A Rule-Of-Thumb Guide on What to Pitch and What to Save
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled.
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.
Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese.
Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already.
Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese.
MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled – (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT
It never spoils.
CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you OPEN them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
Actually, salt might spoil, but it’s rare. It might present reddish tones which are bacteria. I don’t know if it’s safe for consumption though.
Sugar should not be used if it is the setting for an ant farm, complete with little tunnels and paths.
I learned this at my ex’s grandmother’s house (Gram had vision problems.) That is where I learned the apparently healthy habit of NEVER using sugar in or on ANYTHING. Ever.
Of course, the creamer looked pretty lumpy, too.
That being an Irish household, I learned to drink tea.
Black. No sugar.
i’ve seen all of these in my dad’s house… except the bouncing onion dip and the hampster… we had a dog… and we had items in the fridge that out-lived it
FYI, ‘rule of thumb’ from old English law, was the size of the switch you could use to beat your wife or children. No thicker than the circumference of a mans thumb. Hence, ‘rule of thumb’. Why does my mind retain shit like this yet not remember to take out the garbage, or pay the phone bill?
“gag test” lmao
I think its time my mom cleared out her fridge.
There was this one time when I was cleaning out the refrigerator, I felt this object at the farthest crevasses and the farthest a person can reach inside the refrigerator. It was a topper ware, and I was trying to remember what was inside or how did it get there in the first place. I think it was pushed by other food items until it finally fell.
Anyway, I took it out, it was cloudy and hard to see what was inside. So I shook it, it was a solid mass until a few solid shaking moments later, it broke into a thick slushy mix. Then it hit me (no not the goo inside), I suddenly remembered that this was canned corn that I saved a long half year ago! I was definitely curious now on it’s appearance, so I slowly opened the bio-glued topper ware top. PSSSHHHHH! This strong stream of alien gas hit my face and forced it’s way into my nostrils, it smelled a bit like ammonia with remnants of bad canned corn, and hideous digested rot and stink. I didn’t gag, probably because of the excitement of seeing what was inside with a bit of adrenaline. Inside, looked like condensed sweet milk, with greenish colored cotton cheese and yellow corn (it looked like vomit). Wow, that was pretty horrible, in to the toilet the self digested goo went and into hot boiling water for my topper ware.
This is a hilarious post- I especially loved the bit about dairy products!!
@Rick A. Actually, that’s bull. FYI, the REAL origin of ‘Rule of Thumb’ is that the last joint of the thumb is approximately one inch (on most people). People would use this as a rough guide to measurement before rulers or tape-measures were common.
I once opened a jar of old mustard that looked a little less than half full. when i took off the lid the contents started bubbling over the top and oozing down the sides for about five minutes.
In our home, lovingly called the Bring in Bread and it will Mold Home, we have discovered that Sara Lee Whole Grain White bread DOES NOT MOLD. It’s kind of scary wondering what they put in it to make it not mold. We don’t eat it any more.